Tell us about your role.
In the words of my idol and lookalike Aretha Franklin, “Behind every man is a great woman”. That’s me.
I married Santa in 1087 and since then my role has evolved. I started by looking after the reindeer, cooking for Santa and so on. But now my role is mostly about managing the damn elves – they’re a pesky lot tbh. Always downing shots of sherry on the job – the mess in the toy factory every Christmas Day is disgusting!
When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be Santa but then I realised how cold it was out and about on that sleigh. So I opted for this. I basically get all of the benefits and I don’t have to be out in the field. I’m like CEO or something #equality
What was your first job?
For two years, I was the Easter Bunny. But I am a bit clumsy. Especially after some voddy, which on a chilly Spring morning is a good warmer. So I wasn’t the best at sneaking around gardens hiding eggs. I once saw a great hiding spot just above some patio doors. It was a bit high up so I thought I’d take a run-up and leap. Went straight through the door didn’t I? Got arrested and was let go the next day. The mug shot is probably Google-able.
What’s your favourite Christmas song?
Santa Claus is Coming to Town… because it means he’s out of my f*****g hair for a day.
Who would you invite to your dream dinner party, dead or alive?
Nigella so she could cook. Queen Elizabeth I because she kicked arse. And Twisted Sister or Metallica for the ambiance.
Best book you’ve ever read?
Lady Chatterley’s Lover. ‘Nuff said.
What would you do if you weren’t Mrs Claus?
Either a wrestler or a chimney sweep.